I have been longing for some new colored pencils. Prisma Color pencils to be exact. Ever frugal, I tell myself that I can wait and buy them later. But today, while I was digging through my art supplies cupboard, guess what I found? That’s right… Prisma Color pencils. I must have purchased them long ago and forgotten that I had done so. So while I was making do with less than inspiring colored pencils, the pretty ones were hidden but within reach the entire time. I feel like this experience is a great metaphor for my medical journey lately. Sometimes I am longing for something and I totally miss the things I have.

The last few weeks have been difficult. My surgical incision for the skin cancer became infected and this required an ER visit and heavy duty antibiotics. This was followed up by a severe adverse reaction to the antibiotics. I felt like I was taking ten steps backwards. I felt sad. I felt scared. I felt like I was never going to find my way back from the heart and skin surgeries. But then, I saw the cardiologist last week for another post op check-up. I got to the appointment early, so I had a front row seat to all the patients entering and leaving the waiting room. I could not help but notice how many were visibly struggling. I suddenly felt such gratitude for the things I did have. I walked in on my own two feet without assistance. No wheel chair. No walker. No oxygen. I also noticed how many were accompanied by health care workers. I have not had a home health nurse for over two months. And next to me in that waiting room was my supportive and loving wife, who has walked this entire journey with me. That shift to gratitude was monumental in my perspective.

Please understand. This is not a toxic positivity post. This is not a “just notice the good things in your life and things will turn around” kind of post. I get to feel sad and scared and anything else this experience is triggering for me. But next to all of that, can also sit gratitude. For me, it does delete the emotions that are painful to experience. It simply adds some balance to them. It is the “and” and not the “but”. It allows me to see myself through the lens of self-compassion and self-acceptance. Not tied up like a bow on a present, but like a whole human being.

No matter what you are going through in your life, you get to feel whatever you do about it. If you are feeling sad and scared, I am right there with you. But it is also okay to look for the things that give you strength. All I am saying is when the time is right for you, look around to see what you already have. We all have some Prisma Color pencils lurking some where.

Be well, my dear readers.