It’s ironic to me that therapists work so diligently with their clients to honor and embrace themselves. And yet, like the rest of the planet we experience self-abandonment. I observe it in my clients who are therapists. I observe it in the therapists with whom I clinically consult. I observe it in me.

How do I abandon myself? When I keep my voice small so as not to offend others or make a conversation uncomfortable. When I say yes to doing something I do not want to do. When I ignore my body’s pleas for rest, dare I let someone else down. When I push myself to prove to others and myself that I am enough. When I forget to show up for myself in the same ways I show up for others. It takes mindfulness to see the self-abandonment and it takes self-love to embrace myself again.

So why do we abandon ourselves? I do not have a whole answer for that question. What I know for me is that I was taught by adults in my life to make other peoples’ comfort a priority over my own. I was taught that other people’s perceptions of me carried more weight than being true to myself. I taught these same lessons, with less vigor, to my own children. These lessons were not taught from a place of malevolence, but from an unhealed part of me. I self-abandon because I learned through life lessons, that when I was not what other people wanted me to be, I would experience the crippling pain of abandonment by them. It did not come into my awareness until my journey with cancer that keeping people close at the cost of betraying myself was not a fair trade. And sometimes, I still forget that.

What do I do when it comes into my awareness that I have, yet again, abandoned myself? I speak with kindness to myself, as though I am reminding a young child that they matter. And I remember that I am part of a wider human family, all of whom experience self-abandonment. And, I stop, reflect, and ask myself, “What do I need in this moment?” At the same time, I want to be curious about what are the circumstances where I am more likely to abandon myself. This will allow me to grow my awareness and honor myself in those situations.

I encourage you, my dear readers, to explore where self-abandonment may show up in your life. And remember, always bring self-compassion to the table where self-abandonment has been served. Be well.