Self-compassion. It’s something that is on my mind often lately. I’m currently working on self-compassion with my Live Brave group and I define the concept as being kind to oneself, being aware of this moment, and being aware of our belonging to all of humanity. That is a tall order, isn’t it? I try often to speak to myself as I would a friend or a client, with gentleness and respect. But the most challenging part of self-compassion for me is being fully present in this moment.

A few weeks ago, I had an oh-oh moment with cancer. A recent scan showed something suspicious in my remaining breast. What made it suspicious was the fact that it was not there on my previous scan and it was asymmetrical. I had two weeks between the first scan and the follow up scan. Two weeks sounds like a short period of time, but in this case it felt like the last two weeks of your senior year in high school. For-freaking-ever.

What made these two weeks the most difficult is my need to be in control and to figure everything out. So, I would internally start to plan what I would do during the surgery and chemo part of this experience. Who would my clients see and how could I be there for them? How can I support the therapists I clinically supervise? How could I make sure this doesn’t interfere with my daughters enjoying their long awaited trip to Paris this spring? Lots of questions scattered through my mind like young children at recess. And every time, I tried to remember what I was teaching my clients in group; it is essential to be present to this moment. So, I would reel myself back in and remind myself that I did not know that I had cancer. I would whisper softly to myself, “just be in today.” I would focus my energy on the therapy and supervision appointments I was currently having. I would listen to Amber and Brie excitedly talk about their plans for Paris. And lest this sounds neat and tidy, let me tell you it was not. It was messy. Because just as quickly as I had become mindful, I would race back to a future full of unknowns. I would start plotting answers to the questions that chased me down in my quiet moments. And then I would reel myself back in. Wash, rinse, repeat. Right up until two follow up scans showed that I had a cluster of cysts in my remaining breast. My medical team will continue to watch them, but as of today, they are benign.

What is my point in this, my dear readers? Being present is hard, especially in the face of painful emotions or the unknown. And because it is hard, we need to be gentle with ourselves when we don’t do it perfectly. We need to see our shared humanity and that everyone struggles with being present in both the everyday moments and the emotionally heavy ones. And my other point is gratitude. I’m so grateful I didn’t miss out on hearing amazing travel plans. I’m so grateful I was present with my clients and my therapists. I did not miss out on two weeks because I was busy planning for a catastrophe that never happened. And so, my biggest point in all of this is: life is short, show up for it.