I met with a client last week who questioned decisions she had made in her life and how her life would be different if she had taken another path at a fork in the road. I thought about how many times we make decisions with our fingers crossed that it is the right one. Then I read this quote from Steve Jobs, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”

That quote resonates with me on so many levels. First, I believe it is so often true. The rear-view mirror gives me my clearest images. Second, it made me think about all the feelings connected to my book. I had to read and review my galley proofs this weekend. As I went through the process, I’d think to myself, “This is pretty good writing. I think someone will find this meaningful.” At other moments, I’d think, “Wow Julie, you think people will pay to read this stuff.” I want to know how the book will be received before I put it out there. I’m particularly sensitive to the areas where I write about my faith and my relationship with Brandi. I want to know how the dots will be connected.

So, as I struggle with accepting that the dots will not be connected for me until the future, I search for a way to cope with these feelings of vulnerability. One thing that keeps coming back to me is the reason I wrote the book. It started out as a love letter to my daughters should I lose my life to cancer. That love letter is still the foundation of the book. Transforming the love letter into a book was motivated by my desire to help others who may be struggling with a challenge. That desire is still alive in me. That will be my focus, my way to live brave. I will remember my intention and my calling to write.

I’m not going to say I don’t want the dots to be connected, because I do. But I’m going to try to stay in this moment, take some deep breaths, and focus on intention. And maybe have some chamomile tea.