I relish my mother-daughter weekends.  There is always a lot of laughter.  And because we know each other so well, our humor is often at each other’s expense.  There is warmth.  There is a lot of conversation.  There is affection, with tons of hugs and walking casually with our arms around each other. There is connection.  There is love.

One of the humorous moments was being teased by Brie about how protective, or should I say, overprotective I was as a parent.  As we walked to our car in a dark parking lot, I did not have my car keys in my hands, something I would have admonished her for in her teenage, driving years.  I teased Brie back that I was a B+ parent and made plenty of mistakes.  She chided me, saying she could not imagine what an A parent would look like.  The whole weekend my mom grade moved up and down.  I accidentally hit her with my purse and she said, “Oops, mom grade went to a D!” and helping her find a perfect pair of jeans in the store earned me an A grade.

All this teasing got me thinking about what kind of parent I really was to my children.  So, I decided to create my list of the worst and best lessons I taught my children.  The majority of these lessons were not verbal of course.  Most of the time I taught by my actions, my consistent patterns of behavior.
 

Worst Lessons

⦁ You can always do better.  No matter how much effort you put in, you can always do more.
⦁ Always look your best.  Look neat, healthy, well-dressed.
⦁  What other people think of you reflects on me.  What other people think of me matters to me.
⦁ Be careful.  The world is full of dangers.

Best Lessons

⦁ You are loved.  You are loved if you succeed.  You are loved if you fail.  You are loved.
⦁ Be kind to everyone.  There is no one on the planet that does not deserve to be treated with kindness.
⦁ Embrace your own gifts.  You have them.  Appreciate that.
⦁ Hard work matters.  It is usually the best way to get where you want to go.
⦁ Give voice to your own story, whatever it is.  Own it. Tell it.

Assuming that parenting ends at the age of 18 (which is a myth), I finished parenting Amber, my oldest child 18 years ago and Brie, my youngest child 14 years ago.  How would my lessons to them be different now?  I would tell them and hope to show them:

⦁ You are loved, no matter what.  Because of that, you are safe to be whoever you want to be.
⦁ Take risks.  Be vulnerable.  Embrace failure.  It is the source of life’s best lessons.
⦁ Know your own values and live in a way that is consistent with them.
⦁ Create a life of meaning, but also play, have fun.
⦁ Don’t be afraid of emotional pain.  It is a part of being whole.
⦁ Call your mother once in a while.

Many of my clients think that I was some kind of super mom because I’m a therapist.  The truth is, I had my strengths and my limitations.  I tried to be a good mom because I loved my kids more deeply than I can ever express.  I guess that level of love makes me an A- mom.