“Life is impermanent. The sooner we accept this, the less we suffer. Life is always the alpha and omega. We rarely lose everything. Sensations and emotions will change. Parts of life, parts of us, get repurposed and reimagined.” This was part of a holiday message from a dear friend that spoke deeply to my experiences in this past year. Things have certainly been evolving and I will be honest and say, I have not always welcomed the changes with much acceptance.

It has been a difficult year. In August of this year, my ex-husband and father to my children passed away six weeks after being diagnosed with Rickert’s Syndrome. At the same time, my heart had begun to fail and every test result demonstrated how dire the situation had become. Last month, the surgeon did open-heart surgery to replace my aortic valve and part of my aorta. I spent a couple of days in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit and was then transferred to the Cardiac Surgical Wing. I was discharged on Thanksgiving Day and have been healing at home since. There have been challenges with arrhythmias (electrical issues in the heart) following the surgery and I spent two weeks on a heart monitor collecting data for the cardiology team. At first glance it looks like this spring after I have recovered, I will be facing another procedure. Like I said, difficult. Very difficult.

And then, the holiday message arrived from my friend. It reminded me that just because I treasured parts of my life, did not mean they would be a part of my life in the exact same way. Life is impermanent. When I lost my athletic lifestyle during cancer treatment, it enabled me to explore new parts of self, including the part of me that is a writer. I do not know what this season of healing will bring, but I hope my acceptance of change will allow me to be open to whatever it is. This is not to say I have totally accepted all of this, but I do recognize that not accepting it increases my suffering.

I know that I have not written much through out this process, as I needed to spend some time with myself, to reflect, to prepare, to center myself and sometimes just to hang on. It is my hope that in the coming months, I will be able to write more often and share my journey more openly. In the meantime, I will keep being present to this experience and hope you will the same gift to yourself.

Happy New Year, my dear readers.

Footnote: A special thank you to everyone on the transplant/surgical team and the nursing staff at the Bluhm Cardiovascular Institute at Northwestern in Chicago, Illinois. Your care and your heart for the work was amazing. I am truly grateful.