In the past couple of weeks, I have been asked by several people about my health. And my response has been to say that my health is fairly stable, as I think it is the best descriptor I can come up with. The truth is that there is always something my medical team is surveilling. Most recently, my scan showed a spot on my pancreas increased by .3 millimeters since the previous scan. This is a small amount, but will need to be watched with a follow up scan in nine months. Both my renal oncologist and pancreatologist don’t have those worried faces I have come to dread. I take this as reassurance that this is not a big deal.

A Big Deal. That is a hard thing to discern when you have been a cancer patient. What is something to be concerned about and what is “normal”? To be honest, I suck at figuring that out. Sometimes, I feel very fearful about something that means nothing. And sometimes, I am totally unaware that I am getting ready to once again, walk into the fire of cancer. And sometimes, I raise the alarm only to find out that I may have saved my own life.

It is a lot of pressure to know that my body surveillance can make such a difference. But it does. And this leaves me with a choice. I can shut down any awareness about changes in my body or potential symptoms and live life rather obliviously. Or, I can acknowledge the anxiety this creates and stay in touch with my body. And the truth is that for me, I do some of both. There are times I just stay in the moment and drink in the sweetness of my life. And other times, I am very tuned into my body and changes that may be occurring. I believe this balancing act keeps me healthy emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

All of this wrangling for balance reminds me to take full ownership for my life. It reminds me that walking this journey has been challenging and complicated and that I do not hold all of the answers. So, my dear readers, this post is not a tutorial on how to balance awareness with joy. It is my encouraging you to reflect on how you want to show up for your yourself in your own life. Be well.