“A good mom”. This was a phrase I have heard many times in many different situations. The message I always heard was that you can fail at many roles in your life, but you should never, ever fail as a mom.

That message is so deep in me, it has seeped into my bones. While my children were growing up, I failed at numerous things I attempted to do, but I shuddered at the idea that I would fail as a mom. But there is an irony to all of that…

The tricky thing is that the criteria for a good mom rested on the behavior of my children. If they were appropriately behaved, got good grades, or maybe helped an elderly person with their groceries, I received points for being a good mom. If my children shoplifted a candy bar from the local grocery store, got into a conflict at recess, or struggled with math, then I lost parenting points. Keep in mind, none of this occurred on a conscious level. It happened in my gut and in my heart with little awareness that it was even transpiring And this process is repeated in the hearts of many parents. My patients often share the heavy burden they experience in the search of being a good mom.

So if the criteria for being a good mom means that your children act a certain way, then your focus is to control the behavior of your children. An equally strong drive is the desire to control other people’s perception of your children. And that is what I did. I guided my daughters in areas like manners and appropriate behavior. I taught my daughters values, such as integrity, compassion, and honesty. In and of themselves, these are positive things for children and I believe they benefitted from my tutelage. (Amber tells me being taught which fork to use at a formal dinner helped her at professional events.) But this training also brings loss. First, I was so busy trying to prove my worthiness as a mom, that I was not always emotionally present to the joy of being their mom. Don’t get me wrong. There was a lot of fun in our home. But there were times I did not show up with my whole self. And today, I regret that. Also, if my children’s choices reflect on me as a mom, then I define myself through others’ choices and not my own. And one thing life and cancer has taught me is to let go of the things I have no control over.

Today, my daughters are adults. Each one has created a life that is uniquely theirs. It has pieces of those long ago lessons and pieces that belong just to them. It is my hope that they find their lives rich and meaningful and that they can show up for the joy that is available to them. It is also my hope that all of the moms out there can find some solace in learning that none of us are ticking all the boxes on the good mom quiz. That the best part of being a mom is not to be judged as doing it well. The best part is to breathe in the beauty of those simple moments with your child.

Be well, my dear readers.