Expectation is the beginning of all suffering. I have shared this Buddhist concept so many times in therapy as I help my clients learn how to be mindful, how to stay in the present. Mindfulness has been so powerful for me in my journey with cancer, and yet it has eluded me these past couple of days. Just beyond my reach.

So, let’s go back to the beginning of my weekend. It started Friday with the news that the area they removed from my uterus was benign. I felt so happy, relieved, grateful. Deeply grateful. I am one of the lucky ones. Many breast cancer patients taking the same cancer drug I’m on have cancerous lesions that grow in their uterus. I have dodged a bullet and I have two months without a scan or procedure. Brandi and I celebrated over dinner with friends and I even had half of a chocolate cake and ice cream dessert.

Saturday was bright and very warm. Brandi and I woke up and prepared for Are You Hungry, our ministry to the homeless in Rockford. We made our lunches. We put our water bottles on ice since it was expected to reach 90 degree temperatures and we headed out. We had a good time and as always, we are touched by the people we meet in the homeless community. But now, I am tired. Actually, I am exhausted. So I passed on my niece’s graduation party and stayed home to rest. This is where I begin to emotionally unravel. I am sad and disappointed that Brandi is going without me. I am sad and disappointed that she has such a good time, she stayed later than expected. I am sad and disappointed that I don’t get to do things I want to do. See where I am going? I’m expecting things…a quicker recovery than my body can give me, physical strength that is not possible today, to always be emotionally healthy. It is setting me up to be a weepy mess. The woman who just found out she dodged another cancer bullet is weeping. And that made me weep all the more.

I suppose it is the former athlete in me. I like to experience my own strength, both emotional and physical. These post-op experiences don’t represent me at my strongest in either realm. They represent me at my most vulnerable. I made a promise to myself that I would share my unvarnished truth in this blog, and this is it. I am a woman who allowed expectation to unravel me at a time when celebration and gratitude were there to experience. So, I am making this my prayer, to return to this moment and embrace the gratitude in it. And to be gentle with myself when that is just beyond my reach. Amen.