“I don’t want you to be mad at me if I die too soon.” As the words tripped off my tongue, I felt something click inside. Boom. I had just given voice to my deepest fear. If I make the decision to stop treatment, will Brandi, Amber, and Brie be angry with me if I die sooner than if I had stayed on treatment. Through tears, we discussed what “too soon” means. The conversation made me realize that I will never be ready to die. I have so much I want to accomplish, so many new memories and experiences I want to create, and most of all, so much love I want to give. And yet, I have made the decision that at my next oncology visit, I intend to stop taking the cancer drug I have taken for seven and a half years. 

This is a difficult decision for me. The drug I take starves any remaining cancer cells floating around from getting a food source. I am basically starving the cancer cells. It has worked well for almost seven years. But the frequent recurrence of infections, some of which are potentially fatal, has me at the precipice of making this decision. My body is tired. It has been through the trauma of facing and treating cancer. It has persisted through procedures and pain. It has slogged through life on days when the fatigue feels crushing and I’m so tired, it’s difficult not to cry. It has persevered. But it is tired. It needs to recoup its strength and immunity. It needs to be honored. Those of you who have read my book, know I do not have a good history of honoring my body. Instead, I have a history of pushing my body, sometimes past its limits. The athlete in me always wanted to go further or faster. Not today. Not now.

I do not see this decision as any type of defeat, or giving up, or being weak. I have to be honest and say I struggled with applying each one of those descriptors to myself during this process. I choose to see this as me honoring my body. I will let my body (and a few blood tests) tell me if it is time to return to treatment. Until then, I will acknowledge my fears and let my body receive the nurturing rest it so richly deserves.