I often encourage my clients to write letters of love and compassion to parts of themselves that they reject or dislike. It made me think that maybe it is time for me to join that party bus and write a love letter to cancer…

Dear Cancer,
I am not sure how to write this letter. Is it okay to write a love letter with anger and resentment? Well, here goes anyways. I am lovingly angry with you. I refuse to hate you because that will give you too much power, but I’m mad, and sad. I’m mad because you took my friend Delayne too soon. She had two young sons and people whose lives she touched in meaningful ways and yet, she left all of us because of you. I feel this deep well of grief that seems as though it will continue on forever.

I am mad at you that you scare the people in my life. If I need a nap in the middle of the day, I see the fear in their eyes, especially Brandi, Amber, and Brianna. I am mad at you when I hear my daughters cry on the phone as I deliver the latest round of bad news. My heart aches for them and I wish I could take it away. But then, you would have to go away. And you won’t.

I’m mad at you for my own losses, especially in my body. I miss being an athlete. I miss the thrill of pushing my body to achieve goals. I miss tennis. I miss roller blading. I don’t like having to dial down my cycling and swimming because the drug I take for you exhausts me and makes me hurt. I don’t like that I have to deal with how I feel about my body and how my perceptions of myself as a sexual being have shifted. I wish you could quietly leave my life so you would not be this nagging voice in the back of my head.

But sometimes your voice moves me. It reminds me that our time here on earth is short. It is the quiet reminder to live my life loving the people in my life, to play and be spontaneous, and to be grateful. It is the quiet voice that tells me to make my life matter, to make a difference in this world before I pass on to the next. It is the voice that allows me to learn new lessons and embrace new ideas on a daily basis. I don’t believe God put you in my life, because I don’t believe that is how He works. But I do believe He wants me to make meaning out of my experience with you. For that, I am deeply grateful. So, while I could not make this letter all warm and fuzzy, I can say that you have taught me to think, feel, experience, and love more powerfully than I ever thought I could.
JulieDear Julie,
Thank you for your letter. I don’t know why I am in your body, but I delight that you have used my presence to grow, explore, and risk. Keep it up!
Cancer