I shared months ago that I was in the process of publishing my blog posts in a book titled, The Invitation: Coming Home to Myself. It took a great deal of energy to work through this project and I was looking forward to a December publication date. After communication with my publisher about all kinds of topics, like book cover design and marketing strategies, it suddenly ended. I received an email that it was over. My publisher was breaking up with me. And I can honestly say, I did not see it coming. The publisher had read my manuscript before accepting it, so I assumed there were no issues. However, the break up email indicated that one of the blog posts was a liability risk they were not willing to take on. They never identified which blog post despite several emails asking for clarification. and potential resolutions. Looking through my manuscript, I concluded that it had to be #MeToo. It was a blog post written during the Brett Kavanuagh confirmation hearings for the Supreme Court. The blog post focused on how courageous I thought Christine Blasey Ford was to come forward and share her story. I also shared my own story as a survivor of sexual abuse. It was a blog post about being brave, owning your own story, and speaking your truth even when you don’t have control over the outcome. It felt like an important post to write at the time and it feels that way today.

So I took my wounded pride and my sense of injustice and asked the question, “what now?’ The answer was that I would self publish the book. I privately hired an editor and started in a new direction. But what do I do with #MeToo? In this politically litigious time in our country, I did not want to take the risk of being sued. Did I rewrite the post without using Christine Blasey Ford’s name? That did not feel like an option. To do so, would be to make her invisible and invisibility is something that has historically happened to survivors. Then I made the painful decision to leave the post on my blog, but remove it from my book. I removed a blog post about courage because I am afraid. The irony of that slaps me in the face every time I think about it. And if I am being honest, it feels selfish. The decision was made because I didn’t want to spend what is left of my life potentially dealing with a lawsuit. And as a result, I abandoned my belief in the value of being brave. It is so hard to swallow that it took me three weeks to share it with you.

What is the point, my dear readers? The point is that despite my best intention, sometimes my aspirational values and my lived values are not congruent. Sometimes they don’t match up in the way I want them to. And this is true for all of us. When faced with this mismatch, we have the option to be self-compassionate and speak kindly to ourselves. And ultimately own that this, too, is a part of our story.

Be well, my dear readers.