As has been my story these past nine months, last week was another week filled with multiple medical appointments. Each provider has a unique perspective based on their specialty and personality. One provider discussed how much I had been through with my health and remarked that she saw me as strong for having survived. Strong. I have heard other variations of the word. My kids have often said, “you’re a tough old bird, mom”. One of my physical therapists during chemo referred to me as “rugged”. But strong can be such a tricky word, for both cancer and heart patients.

Being told you are strong sounds like an “atta girl”. And it feels good in the moment you hear it. But sometimes it morphs into an expectation or begins to define a person. Because there are plenty of times I feel strong. I work hard at my recovery and survival. I walk this journey from a place of gratitude, acceptance, and courage. But, there are times when I do not feel strong. I feel tired. I feel sad and vulnerable and scared all mixed together. I feel, dare I say it, weak. And I can feel all of this, even on days when I look OK on the outside; Even when I am not actively on treatment or recovering from surgeries. Those outside factors do not always tell the tale of how I am handling cancer or my heart.

And this is where it gets tricky. Because if I am told I am strong, do I get to express fear and sadness? Do I get to acknowledge out loud that I am running on empty? Do I get to share all the complicated and complex parts of me? Most of the people in my life give me the space and grace to own all of myself. And I feel a deep well of gratitude for them. But some people don’t want to experience discomfort at witnessing the hard stuff. They are looking for the “feel good story” that allows them to sidestep the struggle, and to avoid the emotions.

So, here is what I know. I can be grateful and scared. I can be strong and vulnerable. I can truly accept that death will come for me some day and also wish that it will not come soon. I can feel like my tank is running low and love people deeply. All of this is a state of being that is fluctuating at any given moment in time. All any of us can do is show up as our authentic selves. So, it is essential to give myself permission to be strong and (fill in the blank). It is essential to remind myself that I need to embrace my own experiences rather than lean into the story I have heard about me. It is essential to live true to myself.

So, my dear readers, I do not wish for you to be strong. I wish for you to be true. Stay well.