Being retired has given me the time, space, and energy to face things that my professional life enabled me to avoid. My garden shed is clean after years of harboring spiders and other creepy crawlies that were never disturbed. My basement is looking pretty spiffy too. But the hardest things to face have been two of my relationships. So, recently I got very brave and did just that.

There is a little back story to this. I have two long term relationships where for lack of of better word, I have been ghosted for the past several years. I would reach out, leave voice mails, or send text messages and not get a response. It was very painful because both of these relationships were with people I love very much. Because this occurred simultaneously, it was easy for me to ask questions like, “What did I do wrong?’ and “Why is it so easy for people to walk away from me?” And those questions have flitted through my mind repeatedly for the past several years and each time I would go back to distracting myself with work.

But now, there is no work to help avoid these nagging questions. I tried to say, “Just let it go.” and “Some relationships are only for a season.” But it felt like I had left something undone. So, I decided to write one final email to each of them. I was clear in my intention. I was not asking to renew the relationship. I wanted clarity for what happened to the relationship and I wanted to tell each of them goodbye. So, I wrote as lovingly and clearly as I could and sent off the emails with zero expectations that I would hear from them.

But I did. Both responded rather quickly. I learned so much from the experience. I learned from one friend that her life was overwhelming and she did not have the energy to respond. My last email was a wake up call that made her realize she was losing the relationship, We arranged to meet up and had an authentic and at times tearful conversation. I do not know where it goes from here. But I learned that her silence had nothing to do with my being lovable or unlovable. It was her experiences and how she was coping with them.

The second response was also illuminating. I realized that what she needed from me to continue the relationship was not something I was willing or able to give. The funny thing is that I did not even know her expectations existed because she had never expressed them to me. Now, this may sound like a failed attempt at bravery, but it was not. I reflected back on my intentions with these emails, and that was gaining an understanding of what happened and saying goodbye. I was able to do that with the second relationship. I can see that this relationship fell apart because of boundaries I had previously set and it feels good to not have abandoned myself to hold onto the relationship. It also felt good to tell this person that I loved them and wished them well.

The fascinating thing is that while this has been painful and vulnerable, I feel a deep sense of peace. I am also proud of the fact that I courageously stepped out to seek understanding. So, my dear readers, where are the spaces in your life that you want to be more brave?