Last week I wrote a post about the love of a therapist, reflecting on how my love for my patients shows up. I wrote about the grief I am experiencing as retirement is looming on the horizon because I feel my love of a therapist has not been fully tapped into. I feel the love that is longing to be shared with the clients I have loved so dearly.

As I reflected on this love, I began to consider the love my clients may have for me. It is not something I think about often. And yet, my retirement elicits the memory of my therapist retiring fifteen months ago. I remember struggling to express my love and gratitude for my therapist, Deb, as we said goodbye in our final session. I had painted a 12 by 12 acrylic painting after our first session that represented what I wanted to get out of our therapy together. Deb adored it. In preparation for our final session, I sent the painting to her with a handwritten note. The words felt light compared to depth of love I was feeling.

I started seeing Deb after I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. My life felt so out of control for me as I had just received my fourth cancer diagnosis in six years. I realized I had literally taken my hands off of the wheel. It was a weird time. I had wanted so badly to live and yet I allowed other people and other things to make decisions for me. It was as though I had become invisible in my own life. Through reflection, self-exploration, and time, I learned how to show up again in my life. It was arduous and painstaking. I had to look at things I would rather turn away from, like how my childhood experiences made it easy for me to become invisible. And in the midst of this hard work, we found moments of humor and a shared love of art that cemented our bond. I have truly loved her. I do truly love her. Even now, when I get concerning results or new cancer or cardiac symptoms pop up, I wish I could tell her about it. I wish I could comfort myself with her warm nurturance and compassion. I long to experience the love of a therapist.

I imagine this is how my clients will feel somedays. I picture them having the, “I wish I could share this with Julie.” moments. I imagine them chuckling to themselves about some joke we may have shared. I see them using something from our work together to gather strength in hard times. And it is my hope that while they feel loss, they also experience gratitude for our time together and the love we shared. I know I will. I know I do.