I have been thinking about personal growth a lot lately. Personal growth is such a double-edged sword. On the one hand there is this budding awareness about life, love, relationships, and soul that is exhilarating. I cherish all the ways this new awareness can transform my life. But on the other hand, there is this overwhelming sense of grief for all the ways not knowing has created pain in my past.

I witnessed this juxtaposition in my group last night. We were discussing codependency and how it shows up in relationships. I watched the light of recognition come into the group members’ eyes about all the ways they have experienced codependency. And then, I quickly watched the waves of grief and shame dim that spark. Those waves felt familiar to me. There have been so many times I desperately wished I could go back and have a do-over in my relationships; As a parent, a child, a friend, a partner, a therapist. My do-over would allow me to use all the knowledge and understanding I have today. Because when I reflect on who I was in past relationships, the grief and shame rises up within me. Why didn’t I know this? How did I not see this earlier when it was right in front of my face? And why did my ignorance have to cause pain to the people I love and to myself?

So what does this emotional wrestling with myself look like? It is me gently reminding myself that every human on the planet has relational blindspots; It is reminding myself that our childhood experiences shape these blindspots without any awareness on our part. It is reminding myself that the woman who carried those blindspots is the foundation of the woman I am today. I could not be “me now” with out being “me then”.

So, my dear readers, if you are struggling with learning about aspects of self you wished did not exist, you are not alone. It is a universal experience. And it is my hope that you will honor the person you have been in the past. For that person has been with you on a very long, sometimes beautiful, sometimes brutal journey. And embrace the person you are today. Your evolution is the result of self reflection and emotional labor. You were enough in the past and you are enough right now. And so am I.