Many of my dear readers know that I facilitate a therapy group named Live Brave. Every other Wednesday evening, this band of brave souls gather together to explore what it means to live a brave and authentic life. This past week, we dug into what it means to belong versus what it means to fit it. In Brene Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, she states, “Because we can feel belonging only if we have the courage to share our most authentic selves with people, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” That resonated with me. Really resonated with me. You see, my history of being a people pleaser led me to believe the opposite. I believed for decades that if I could be accepted by and connected to others, I would naturally accept myself. So I did everything I could to be accepted by others. My childhood taught me to be good at reading a room, so it was not a stretch for me to figure out who people wanted me to be and then show up as their wish. I will be honest. I think I was pretty successful at being who people wanted me to be. But it felt empty, like it was not quite what I wanted it to be. I just never figured out why I experienced it like that. But then as life unfolded for me, I began to experience a shift within myself.

Finding new love after the end of my long-term marriage, the tragic deaths of my parents, and of course, cancer. I would like to say the shift with these experiences was a totally spiritual one. But the truth is, in the aftermath of these events, I did not have the emotional or physical energy to please others. I was too busy trying not to drown in the sea of my own turbulent emotions. And every time my survival demanded that I focus on myself, I felt freer. And now, almost twelve years into my journey with cancer, I have created the capacity to be my most authentic self. Within myself. Within my relationships.

I do not like everything about me. I can be forgetful and distracted. I experience big emotions on a regular basis, especially anxiety. I can be insensitive to the people I love most. I push my body too hard for its own good. I am human. But, I’m getting better at accepting that humanness. And even though that acceptance is an inside job, it shows up in my relationships. It shows up in the relationships I hold dear. It shows up in the relationships I have let go of. While my tribe may be smaller, I know I belong because I know they see the real Julie, everything from totally together to hot mess.

So, my dear readers, I am wishing you the same journey, minus the cancer. May you be freed to accept yourself, not because you have played your role well in relationships. May you accept yourself with all your human traits. And may this acceptance lead you to true belonging. Be well.