My dear readers, I have written many times in many venues about the issue of hope. And my take on hope has been fairly consistent. I’m not a big fan, especially when it comes to cancer. I have so little control over what cancer does in my body, so I feel I do not have the data necessary to support hope. My super power is acceptance. And my faith tells me that no matter what is ahead for me on this journey with cancer, I do not walk it alone. And that makes it easier to keep acceptance firmly within my grasp.

But last night, one of my Live Brave group members calmly expressed, “I think hope is vulnerable.” I told him that his statement resonated with me. But the truth is that my chest felt a little tight and what I really wanted to say was, “Oh my God”. Reflecting on it after group and this morning, I came to terms with my truth. Sometimes I clutch onto acceptance with a chokehold because it keeps me from having expectations. If I have acceptance, then I have no expectations that cancer check ups will go well and scans will show me the desired results. There is less disappointment. And that disappointment always shows up with a heavy, sinking feeling in my gut that I will never outrun cancer. I have been sitting on a teeter-totter with hope on one end and hopelessness on the other. And I choose to hang out in the middle where I am the least vulnerable. With my old friend, acceptance.

Now, lest you think I am judging myself, please know that is not true. Instead, I am looking at my body and my soul with all of its scars and feeling a great measure of compassion. At the exact same time, I have a new understanding of my deep desire to avoid vulnerability. And I wonder… how can I open myself to the vulnerability of hope? In a few weeks, I will have a skin cancer check up. If I am told that there are no new signs of cancer to be biopsied or treated, maybe I can lean into the joy and relief of that moment. Hope and joy. Both emotions that invoke such vulnerability. I am humbled by my clients in the Live Brave group, who constantly show me courage in the face of vulnerability. I want to show up and be brave for them. And for me.

Be well.