In a conversation last week with a friend, I shared my anxiety about an upcoming skin cancer check-up. Less than a year has passed since my last surgery and the thought of a repeat had me uneasy. “Stay positive”, she responded. Her words made me reflect on the whole positivity movement and the latest buzz word, “toxic positivity”.

So I pondered: how does being positive fit with being a cancer patient? Being positive does not lead me to make exclamations that I have won over cancer. I have had four different cancer diagnoses in the past eleven years and six skin cancer diagnoses in the past seven years. I have no idea what the future brings with cancer, but on an emotional level it sometimes feels like cancer is just not leaving me alone. Where I do feel positive about cancer is in my ability to face it. I am well-informed about cancer, have developed a practice of gratitude and prayer, have a good support system, maintain a healthy lifestyle, and use healthy coping skills (mostly). So my positivity does not come from the exhortations of others to stay positive. It is totally an inside job. And my positivity does not guarantee me an outcome. It simply means that while I am on this planet, I will meet cancer with all of the resources I have.

So why is positivity the “in thing” right now? I believe there are two reasons. One is that the field of positive psychology has documented the constructive effects of challenging negative self talk. And challenging your own self-talk can be extremely empowering. The other reason is that people often don’t know what to say to someone who feels sad or anxious. It’s easier to give an encouraging word of positivity than sit with them while they walk through difficult emotions. It’s easier to say, “be positive” than to be still and say, “wow, that must be really hard”. For me to be with someone in their uncomfortable emotions, my own experiences with emotional suffering are triggered. And even though I’m a therapist and walk with people who are suffering, this can be a challenge for me as well.

So, at the end of the day, I think this is where I landed… healthy positivity comes from within us. Toxic positivity can be one person’s efforts to dial back another person’s painful feelings. So, if I’m right, that means we do not get to comment on another individual’s positivity. We just get to reflect on our own.

Foot note: My skin cancer check-up resulted in a biopsy on my right leg. The pathology report showed that I have more skin cancer. Because of all the surgeries I’ve had, I opted to do a 3 month course of topical chemotherapy. It will be uncomfortable at times, but not a surgery at least. I’m grateful it was an option for me this time. And I’m positive I can cope with whatever it brings in the future.