I have not cried today. Of course, it is only 4:10 p.m. and there is still time. I did not cry all day on Wednesday. It has been weeks of tears since test results showed my heart is not doing well. Truly, I’m so over all this crying. I asked Brandi if she was tired of me crying and she said, “No babe, just let that stuff out.” And the sweetness of her response made me, well…you know…cry.

I wish I could express all the aspects of the tears, but it is so multifaceted. I cry because I feel grief over parts of myself I have lost, mostly the ability to do the physical stuff I could do not all that long ago. I cry because I am scared that I could lose even more, including my life. I cry because I am sad for Brandi, Amber, and Brie that they could lose me and I wonder how they will cope. I cry for myself because I have so much heart left to give and I don’t want to run out of time to give it. I cry because I am angry that these health challenges call my attention. And I cry because I am weary. And damn it, writing this has me crying again. Oh well, maybe tomorrow will be a day free of crying. Maybe. Maybe not.

I write this blog post mostly for my clients who may be reading this. In our time together, I have used the words, “walking through the pain” at least a zillion times. But I want you to see that they are not just words for me. They are the way I deal with times of grief and fear. Anger and weariness. And I want you to know that in the midst of my teariness, I am living my life. I fed almost 70 homeless people on the streets yesterday. This week, I walked with my clients as they travelled their own path of grief and fear, anger and weariness. This week, I met with my editor, did my own therapy, and went grocery shopping. And besides writing this blog post, today I went to church and did laundry. Life continues, but in the middle of it, we have to make room to feel the things we feel. Even the hard stuff.

Every day, my tears come less often and for briefer periods of time. And I believe that last Wednesday’s tear-free experience will once again become the norm. But in the meantime, if you see me wiping my eyes, know that I am just walking through the pain. Just like you.