Last week, I began to take a downward turn. My energy was gone. I had trouble eating. My throat felt like it was being stabbed by a hot poker. I felt so bad by Friday that I did not go to a professional training for which I had already paid the tuition. Those of you that know my frugal nature might be assuming I was on my death bed. No…, but I was sick again. The doctor determined that my mouth, throat, and possibly esophagus and intestines had a severe yeast infection caused by the antibiotics that were prescribed to me. Now, in case any of you are keeping track, since Christmas the score is Infections-6, Julie-0. Since Christmas, I have had two viral infections, two bacterial infections, one staph infection, and now a fungal infection. Every time I start to rebuild my strength, something happens and I am knocked down again.

I would love to tell you I am handling these illnesses with my usual sense of acceptance and gratitude. But the truth is, my self-talk stinks. It has a lot of sentences that begin with, “It’s not fair…” and “I’ll never…” I know this self-talk is not helpful and I have been trying to work on it. But I feel so discouraged by the fact that I have such physical pain. I feel like no matter how well I treat my body, I will never get out of this cycle. And I know life is not fair. But my life has been fairer than most and yet, my despair led me to believe physical pain made my life circumstance unfair. Wow. And it is more than than discouragement. I feel fear. Fear and I are not best buddies, especially when there is nothing productive I can do with it. The truth is many cancer patients die because cancer treatment wears down the immune system and they can’t fight opportunistic infections. I do not want to die. Not now. Or any time soon.

This morning, I got myself out of bed and worked on tasks for this week’s book release event. None of my usual joyful dances, just taking the next right step. Then a client came to see me this afternoon and offered me a gift. I opened it and found this bracelet.

I don’t know why she chose to give this to me today; I simply relished it. Stronger with Every Struggle. I needed that self-talk reboot. I needed to remember that struggle has gifts and one of those gifts is strength. I needed to remember that even if it “feels” like I will never recover, that doesn’t make it the truth. And finally, something I have always believed…I needed a reminder that one small gesture can make a big change. We all have that power. My plan is to continue to tend to my-self talk, so I can use that power more fully. What will you do with your power?