“If I didn’t know what it hurt like to be broken Then how would I know what it feels like to be whole.”

I heard those words on the radio during my commute home from the office tonight. The reflection that followed was multidimensional. I thought about my weekend trip to Dallas, Texas to celebrate the birthday of my daughter, Amber. Memories of roaring laughter, shared smiles, and an emotionally difficult conversation floated through my mind and I smiled contently. Now one would imagine that an emotionally difficult conversation would not cause a mother to smile. But I did. Because we could have this raw dialogue and know that we love each other unconditionally. We could be vulnerable and feel safe. This was not always the case for us. There was a time in our adult to adult relationship where we struggled with feeling safe enough to share our thoughts and feelings and judiciously avoided any kind of emotional discussions. It was painful. And scary. It felt like our relationship was broken and I think a piece of me felt broken inside. But the song spoke to me. If we had not gone through that dark period in our relationship, I would not appreciate this time of closeness and connection. I would not feel this deep well of contentment as the result of an emotionally difficult conversation and still feel whole. And connected. And loving. And loved.

I also reflected on someone in my life who feels a little broken right now. I wondered to myself, “Will this time of brokenness allow her to feel more whole some day?” And I thought about my own experience of brokenness from cancer. Today was another CT scan day. It took five attempts by three nurses to start the IV and knowing this is in part caused by the chemo makes me feel broken and defective. I also wonder will it show that my kidney cancer is still at bay or will it indicate that I may face another round of surgery or treatment?

The hard part is that none of these questions can be answered in this moment, or probably the next. The song lyrics speak to the idea of perspective. When we begin to experience wholeness, we begin to fully understand our brokenness. When we adjust the lens through which we see things to widen the picture, we get a clearer view. I have taught perspective to the multitude of graduate students and therapists I have clinically supervised during my career. But tonight, I saw it taking shape in my own life. Seeing the pain of the past made me grateful for the healing and strength in my relationship with Amber. And it made me aware that while I and those I care about may be experiencing brokenness in this moment, it is not stagnant. It is a flowing piece in my experience of wholeness.

So, my dear readers, how can you widen your lens? How can you use perspective in your own broken experiences? Stand back. Take in the picture that is uniquely you. Embrace your handiwork.