The moment my eyes popped open this morning I thought about how today was the beginning of a new time. For the first time in seven and a half years, I did not take a cancer drug this morning. Brightly colored supplements and vitamins, yes. The drug Tamoxifen, no. Today, I officially stop treatment. Nine percent of breast cancer patients experience recurrent and severe infections on Tamoxifen. For almost seven years, that was not true for me. But the last eight months have been daunting. One infection after another has left me tired and ready for some respite.

So how do I feel about this decision? I am mostly in a peaceful place. This week’s scan showed a small spot on what remains of my right kidney. My oncologist believes it is a cyst. The general population has cysts on their kidney so it should not be worrisome. But its location raises questions and I did not want to go into this time away from treatment with any additional questions.

The questions, however, cannot quench my anticipation of what life could be like off of treatment. I have fantasies of longer bike rides, not needing naps when I have a long day, and some day…letting go of my fear of infections and hugging people again. I have truly missed that. I try not to get too far ahead of myself, but those images create an eagerness in me that is difficult to quiet.

So, there it is. This new time is a metaphor for life. Sometimes peaceful, sometimes scary, sometimes exciting. Always taken on faith.