Two days ago, I posted a blog post where I talked about my legacy and the intersection of my aspirational values and how I live my life. I shared my aspirational values as spirituality, kindness, and gratitude and explored how I do and don’t demonstrate them in my daily life. Now, if I believed that God is a giant puppeteer (which I don’t), who manages every detail of what goes on in the world, I would say He is playing a fun little game with me. Just as my finger pushed the button to publish the post, I noticed changes in an infection where my breast had once been. It had increased in size, deepened in its red color, and intensified its pain. A trip to the doctor last night confirmed that I had cellulitis again, a staph infection of the tissues under the skin. 

What is the irony of this? I had just waxed poetically on my blog about the powerful nature of my gratitude. And two days later, it is just beyond my fingertips. I can see gratitude, I just can’t seem to reach it. I feel discouraged and defeated by these dogged infections that my doctor believes are probably being caused by all of the cancer treatment I have endured. I am in between a rock and a hard place. Continue treatment and suffer these painful infections or stop treatment and risk the cancer taking a foothold in my body. And in the middle of this double bind, gratitude is nearly impossible to see, much less grasp.

Why do I think this is important to share? Because we need to recognize that we all have times when we live in a space outside of our aspirational values. We all struggle to be, feel, and act like the people we aspire to be. But when we can’t, it does not say anything about us, and what kind of person we are. It does not say we are weak or emotionally unhealthy. It does not say we are faint of heart or unable to manage the challenges of life. It just says we are human. That’s it. End of story. We are human. This does not mean I do not try to live out my aspirational values, but it does say that I can be compassionate when I don’t quite make it. I share this because I want you, my dear readers, to carry the same self-compassion as you face the dark times of your life. For challenges will come and go in life, but the ability to be self-loving in the midst of trials changes everything.