This week brought the sad news of Senator John McCain’s diagnosis of brain cancer. No matter what side of the political aisle people sit on, many used social media to wish the Senator well. I believe many of the tweets and posts were well intentioned when they described Senator McCain as “strong” or “a fighter”. I do not doubt that these descriptors are true. John McCain survived years of deprivation and torture as a Vietnamese prisoner of war. John McCain has also survived political wars as a senator and presidential candidate. But this is cancer. CANCER. Cancer does not care if someone is a fighter. Or strong. Cancer is powerful because it is unpredictable and out of control. This means that when someone loses their life to cancer, it is not because they were not strong or they did not fight. It means that the cancer did what cancer does; it spread to the point where the body could not sustain itself.

I acknowledge that this is a tender spot for me, very tender. People often tell me, “you will survive this, because you have a positive attitude” or “you’ve got this because you’re a fighter.” I know the truth. Because I know the story of my friend, Delayne. 

I met Delayne while we worked on a project to help women who were on probation and had a history of sexual abuse and assault. We shared a commitment to making the world a better place, even if it was our own little corner. One of the kindest people I have met, Delayne lived with an open heart. My cancer diagnosis came as Delayne was finishing her marathon year of chemo. Yes, Delayne and I also shared the diagnosis of HER2 breast cancer.

Delayne and I met weekly for our project and after the meetings, we spent time talking about our journey with cancer. We talked about our hopes and our fears. We talked about life. And death. We shared similar views…our faith taught us that life after this world was not something to fear. But we wanted to stay alive for our children as we both felt they needed us. Delayne’s children were very young at the time and needed a mother’s love and nurturing. Mine were young adults and needed a mother’s wisdom as they made the transition to adulthood.

Cancer took DeLayne’s life too soon, but she continues to live on in the hearts and minds of so many people. But she did not die because she was not strong. She did not die because she did not fight. She fought for life and for her family with such conviction. When the days were long and hard, she would find the resilience to rise agin. She died because cancer has the power to end a life. 

Delayne’s story is a cautionary tale against tying cancer survival to any attribute of the cancer patient. Strong, positive people die of cancer every day. I do not have control over the presence of cancer in my body. I only have control over my ability to search for meaning and purpose while I travel this journey. In fact, it is the only control any of us have.