No More Faking Fine. It is the title of a book by Esther Fleece that has been gracing my nightstand for the past month. Esther shares her childhood experience of giving testimony in her parent’s acrimonious divorce and being told sternly by the judge, “suck it up”, when she became overwhelmed with emotion. This phrase followed her into adulthood, where faking fine became how she created her success in the world, but also how she experienced failure. The book expresses Esther’s belief that we need to lament our pain and sorrow to God. She writes that this process of lamenting strengthens the relationship with God: that God already knows our suffering. Esther says that many Christians believe that God only wants our strength, when in reality, he also wants our brokenness. It is in our broken places that we lament, but it is also where we experience God’s comfort, grace, and love.

What has me reflecting on lamenting these days? I, myself, am lamenting. Test results indicate a suspicious mass in my uterus. It could be more cancer. It could be benign. The cancer drug I take increases the risk of uterine cancer. I am lamenting.

I am not lamenting more cancer because that is data that I do not have. I am shaking my fist at God that I am once again in the thick of limbo and wondering. I am asking God to wrap me in his love and comfort as I again feel small. Vulnerable. Powerless. What does God do with this angry, scared, lamenting child? He loves me. Like Esther, I believe God comes to me in my broken places. In this moment, all I can do is let him have my anger, my fear, my smallness; Stay in this moment. Know He is present. Rinse. Repeat.